she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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