Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
