Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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