his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
