Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
