I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
i now understand why vodka
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
