How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
