she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
