Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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