Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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