Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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