I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
