A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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