dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
