saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
