Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize