No stitches, just platelets and will power
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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