when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
