It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
