Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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