were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize