i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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