every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
