a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize