my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
