I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
