SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
