I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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