he wants to bone in the snuggie
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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