Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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