i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
