i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
