I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
