i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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