If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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