What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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