Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
