I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
