did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You are the jesus of drinking
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
