you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
