Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
