8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Vodka?
Forever.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
