Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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