I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Rumble strips road head = magical
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
