You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
