you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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