How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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