so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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