I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
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