she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
