I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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