No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
