i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
