That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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