if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I party with great urgency now.
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